Bart the Bartender

'Tells Like It Is'

Q: Bart, I hear you like Short AND Tall.

BART: Sure do. Lets everybody in.

Q: Just curious. There's something about wall marks?

BART: Right. Four of them. That's a key. I'll show you [folds right thumb, palm up]. Pretend this is the four marks. First, somebody checks the rules, measures up from the floor and marks a wall at four levels.. Then some of the players -- mostly just the tall -- stand by the wall -- once each season -- and get judged. Shows their height.

Q: Couldn't they do it better with tape or a scale?

BART: Altogether unnecessary. The wall's a lot easier. Nothing to fumble with, and always the same everywhere. Besides, Short AND Tall needs only these four marks. Works for women and boys and girls, too. Their heights are different from men. But the idea's the same.

Q. Your fingers are smart.

BART: Ha, thanks. See here along the top of this little one? Well, that's the top of the bottom mark on the wall. This top -- along here -- that's the exact line that counts -- the very top of it. When a player stands under the top of this lowest mark, it's what they call "zero units."

Q: Zero. You mean "short?"

BART: No. No way. Or just part way. Zero covers the vast majority of people - ordinary height. That includes "short." The most -- like, would you believe, 80% of us -- could stand under this here line [points along top of little finger]. In fact, the "average" height of everybody, for their age and gender, is actually somewhere down here [points below little finger]. Funny thing, you know, the way people are born -- for example you and me, the way we're made -- so many of us are just "ordinaries." It's obvious that we're below here [indicates top of little finger] -- we're not what you'd call tall.

Q. Interesting.

BART: Only some of the ordinaries ever need to visit the wall. Some "close calls" have to show they're really below the mark top. Get what I mean? Anybody can see at a glance that the biggest bunch of people are "ordinaries." So, we all get zero units and don't have to be judged.

Q: Your little finger's a big deal. The others?

BART: These three do their job -- helping to pick a certain few tall teammates. All together on the same squad -- tall players and "ordinaries." They're not like a "squad" as we usually say it, cause when you get right down to it, the squad is absolutely the team itself. It's anywhere up to 10 players. They play regular five-on-a-side basketball.

Q: Regular basketball?

BART: Sure thing! The game looks no different. Action's the same. Run, pass and shoot. Rebound, dee-fence. What's the score? You hit the nail on the head if you ask yourself: "Who's playing and who's not?" A simple question. Just watching a game gives you no answer. "Who's playing and who's not?" It's the acid test. -- it's what's different -- what Short AND Tall's all about. "Who's playing and who's not?" Basic. Gotta keep that in mind.

Q: How many tall players?

BART: Your squad can have up to five. Maybe only one or two. Or, in a rare case, none -- just some "ordinaries." Short AND Tall goes for a natural mix, ordinaries plus talls up to 10.

Q. Up to 10?

BART: Yes, sir, a mix up to 10. And you've got to know that 10 really means "10 slots" -- slots for players. It's a format . No matter how many players on your squad, the format 10 stays. It kind of keeps us "ordinaries" in the majority. We far outnumber the "talls" -- like we do, as they keep saying, in the natural population. And to boot, Short AND Tall has a key little rule that safeguards the "10." Tell you about it?

Q. Shoot.

BART: Here's the rule: You pay for each reduction in your squad size from 10 by giving up two free throws. For example, if your squad is seven, that's three from the 10 format -- 3 off 10 -- so you give up six free throws. If you're nine players on the squad, you give up two shots, and so forth. There's no bargaining. Where both teams are under 10, they can't make a trade. They gotta shoot them all. I think they do it at halftime.

Q. How's a squad put together?

BART: Selection depends on a lot of things. How tall is each tall compared to the other talls? Is the "tallness," as they call it, available and good? And how good are the ordinaries? Tall gets figured first. Once the "tallness" is decided, the Short AND Tall squad gets rounded out with "ordinaries," usually to a full size 10.

Q: So "tallness" gets decided first. How?

BART: It's all done thanks to an allowance. Short AND Tall evens things out by distributing a standard amount of "tallness" that every squad can work with.

Q. What exactly do you mean by tallness?

BART: It's just "units." Remember how every ordinary-height player got to be "zero"? Well, tall players are 1, 2, 3 or 4 units. Tallness begins at one unit. Technically, if you'd like to know, a unit is the distance between two mark tops. Units work like a "currency" of tallness.

Q: Your big fingers are the tallness?

BART: Exactly right. These three. If you're under the very top of this second one -- the ring finger -- you're one unit; anybody under the top of this big finger is a 2; and away up underneath the top of one here, it's a 3. All the way up, in this outer space, any tallness that happens to come along, no matter how far up, it's worth 4 units.

Q. "Units" make up a squad?

BART: Sure do, big time. The wall figures out your "availability" for putting a squad together. Then along comes this main rule of Short AND Tall. Here it is: Only up to five tallness units are allowed on every squad. You can use the five units in any combination you want. It's an allowance -- makes for even distribution of tallness all around. In a nutshell, you can put up to five of them -- no more than five -- on your squad -- your team.

Q. Think I've got the drift.

BART: Good. There's lots more. I'm no expert on it, but do you want to stick around?

Q. Please, go on..

BART: OK. Well first, let's celebrate the five-unit ceiling. Hail to it. Drink a toast. It meets the main goal. It eliminates the possibility of a "tall team." What's a tall team? Take a typical one from outside Short AND Tall. On a regular lineup, the "units" would total in double figures. The bench would add another dozen. That's a "tall team." In Short AND Tall, there's no such thing. Any tall players are welcome same as you and me, but never a "tall team."

Q. A lot of calculating?

BART: Opposite! Only the tall units get figured in. You can count 1 to 4 easy on your one hand. However, there's so much flexibility -- a zillion possible squads -- you needn't think so much about a full allowance for your squad. Plus, strategies get involved. It boils down mostly to who's good and who do you have on hand -- ability and availability, as they say. Actually -- and get this -- the beauty of the five-unit thing really comes from the other team. It's a safety net. The allowance keeps a lid on the tallness of every possible opponent squad.

Q. Should I scout around for specific kinds of heights?

BART: No. I think you understand. Basically, you form a squad according to abilities regardless of heights. Forget the reverse. It does no good to hunt for units without ability just to use the allowance. The name of the game is participation, but winning counts, too.

Q. I'm all for victory

BART: The way the allowance is distributed -- in units -- makes handy flexibility. Let's play the numbers game. This is my ring finger. To my way of thinking, a "ringer" is a player of one unit. Nothing wrong or illegal. "Ringer" just means the ring finger. Suppose you had a large "availability." Depending on abilities, you could start forming your 10-player squad by selecting five ringers -- they count for one unit apiece -- they'd take up your whole five-unit allowance.

Q. What next? Just add ordinaries?

BART: Correct. Your squad would be like, 1-1-1-1-1-0-0-0-0-0. Now, to switch for a taller member, say a 2, that would cost you two ringers, keeping only three of them, like 2-1-1-1-0-0-0-0-0-0. You'd then have six ordinaries -- six players at zero units -- instead of just five of them, on your 10-player team.

Q. Must be many combinations.

BART: Yes and no. Where you have a bunch of players available, arithmetic lets you juggle the five-unit allowance in six different ways. Besides 1-1-1-1-1 and 2-1-1-1, the four other ways are 3-1-1,3-2, 2-2-1 and 4-1. On the other hand, and this is happens a lot, like in recreation, -- except for travel teams -- and at some camps -- where there might be low availability -- not a whole lot of campers that are both good and tall -- well, it creates a bunch of low-unit teams.

Q. Most squads are under five units?

BART: Hey, don't feel sorry. The allowance protects them. In Short AND Tall, they don't ever face a "tall team." And hot-stuff five-unit squads are safeguarded just as well. Never against a "tall team." Rah, protection. Ability takes over. And be sure to appreciate the ordinaries. The allowance welcomes their "zero" tallness. Their height's equal all around. Only ability and availability matter.

Q: You've convinced me.

BART: Good. Before you go, I must tell you one more thing -- a special rule that discourages bench-warming. It goes like this: Both of the second-half opening lineups have to include every player who did not start the game. Then, the original starters can go back in, one player at a time. This way, nobody ever sits out for a whole game. All the squad members get to see some action -- though even only a bit.

Q. Can't argue with that.

BART: Bye, hope I helped. Now, don't know why, but I want you to take away my favorite odd-ball situation. You know how things work, so imagine for a second that five ringers get together -- with no ordinaries -- and play as a squad. They obey the allowance. They gotta pay up with two free throws for each cut in their squad from 10 -- that comes to 10 free throws. Serves them right, if you ask me. Ha.

Q: Interesting. Thank you, Bart

Humble Tribute

Bart follows after Buck the Bartender, a popular college basketball column of The Philadelphia Bulletin to 1982 and The Philadelphia Daily News to 1992. Its genial columnist Bob Vetrone (1926-2005), was famed also for his radio interviews, support of The Big Five, final career in LaSalle University sports information and remembered even more as a fellow Bulletin copy boy 1946-49, occasional colleague and long-ago pal.

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